This month we are very fortunate to have not one but two experts sharing their wisdom on the Sociology of… Friendship. Last week, physician and sociologist Nicholas Christakis went deep with me on the science of friendship — how we are hardwired for connection and how we can better understand the connection-related choices we make — and this week, the New York Times “friendship correspondent,” Anna Goldfarb, and I go beyond the theoretical to offer practical strategies for building and maintaining friendships. Because two Annas is always better than one.
Anna Goldfarb is the author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections, a manual for navigating friendship (complete with a “14-day friendship cleanse”), and is the author of the Substack Friendship Explained. She has written for the New York Times, the Atlantic, Vice, Vox, TIME, and more.
As always, I hope this conversation sparks ideas for enriching your own relationships, and I hope you’ll add your thoughts to the comments and share this post with your network.
“Friendships in adulthood are endangered”
“Friendship is the sum total of the decisions you made in the past, the choices you make today, and the things you plan for in the future.”
00:00 Why there is an abundance of “friendship content” right now + why friendships are endangered
06:25 The “200 hour” theory of friendship
07:55 Why we invest more in romance than friendship + the role of “choice theory”
11:30 Why friendship is the preschool of social life
15:00 Identifying the “about” in your friendships
16:00 Why social media makes us less connected (and encourages laziness)
19:00 Honoring “bids for attention” + why I’m an “igniter”
21:00 We’re not well-equipped for the complexities of modern friendship and why this leads to loneliness
25:10 We lose half our friends every seven years + how to deal
27:05 The underrated joy of cross-gender friendships
34:05 Conflict in friendships + recognizing someone’s “capacity for connection”
38:30 How many friends do we need? + fluidity in friendship
44:00 Intimidated by intimacy + supporting friends in times of distress
45:10 Time to raise your friendship standards
48:15 The Holy Trinity of friendship + tips for being a better friend
55:42 Anna Goldfarb’s Friendship Anthem
56:48 Anna’s favorite thing to observe?
58:00 Our karaoke duet
How to Nurture Modern Friendships